How Many Commandments Do I Follow? (Smacking the Head of the Person that Guessed One, it's More Than That!)

So like I said in Post One (Otherwise Known as "Why Did I Start a Blog, Now I'm Actually Going to Have to WRITE IT) I'm on a quest to become a Slightly Better Not Embarrassing To My Mother Jew.

I feel like this is a good time to mention all the ways in which I am NOT a Worst Jew.

-I shalt never killed anyone (and I don't even plan to ever shalt kill anyone!)

I can't remember any of the other commandments, I have to cheat and look.

Reading, reading...Thou Shalt Not Steal (If this refers to taking french fries off of other people's plates without asking I am in trouble-times), Thou Shalt Not Covet (Only like all the time with everything!),Thou Shalt Not Misuse the Name of God (Only like more of all the time with almost everything!). Thou Shall Keep the Sabbath Holy (sometimes I get super lazybones right after sundown on Friday until right before sundown on Saturday, can that count? Please, let it count, I'm not doing great here...), Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness Against Thy Neighbor (This means being a bitch-bag to your friends, right? Or just being a bitch-bag in general? Either way, I'm out), Thou Shalt Honor Thy Mother and Father (Goddamnit, I'm basically going to get an F on the Ten Commandments. Goddamnit, These Goddamnits Aren't Helping!)

Ooh, here's one! Thou Shall Have No Other Gods Before Me! I don't! I don't! Hey God! I don't! And here, Thou Shalt Not Make Unto Thee any Graven Images. Hebrew God, I have NOT been drawing pictures of you! And I don't even want to! And Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery I'm NOT EVEN MARRIED I CAN'T! And if you count boyfriends, I love mine, I only kiss him on the lips, everyone else gets Euro- air-kisses on either side of their ears!

Four out of ten. That's not... zero out of ten.

How many commandments do YOU follow? I'm MOST interested in people that say zero out of ten (because then I will want to meet you and be slightly attracted to you) and ten out of ten (because then I will want to meet you and be resentful of you for always).

I'm getting an F for Commandments, but I'm REALLY HOPING learning Hebrew gives super special secret bonus points, like the Heebie version of Mario hitting the invisible question box to get mushrooms and gold coins. Hebrew should get me bonus points, learning another language is so hard after the age of like, infancy, who knew?

Oh, everyone knew? Oh. Okay.

Next Post: Finally getting to learning Hebrew. This one goes a little bit like a fairy tale we all know about a Mischievous Little Golden Haired Child and all the breakfasts and chairs and beds she didn't like. Only in my version it's a Michievious Jew Girl With Short Dark Hair (That Looks Like Bob Dylan's Haircut Circa his 1962 Self-Titled Album According to Her Boyfriend) and the Three Hebrew Classes, the FIRST Class That Basically Covered Everything She Already Learned For Her Bat Mitzvah 10 Years Ago, the SECOND Class Where Everybody Could Already Speak Hebrew Like Smart Israeli Four Year Olds and... oh wait, there is no "Just Right" third class. So which class will our Spunky, Intrepid Heeb-eroine choose?

(Hint: It's the really, really, really hard one. Where would the fun be otherwise?)